The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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