thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
