and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
