saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
