Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
