My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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