that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
