We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
