We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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