Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
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