I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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