just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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