We need to rekindle our bromance
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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