I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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