I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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