Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize