I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
