then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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