At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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