why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
