My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
