I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize