My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize