Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
