I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Randomize
