Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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