I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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