They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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