you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
