Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
