anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I would ride that face into the sunset
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
