Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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