For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Randomize
