You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
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