Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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