Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
