When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
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