They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Randomize
