ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
