no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
