3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
