I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
