just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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