just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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