smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
