I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
