I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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