my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
