You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Randomize
