Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
