remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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