Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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