Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
