3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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