I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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