yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize