It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
