they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
