My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
