Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Text me some of your sweat
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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