she woke up with a sticky ear
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize