i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
