Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
