Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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