Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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