Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
