hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
