the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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