Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
