I just threw up on my dentist
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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