This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
