I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
