my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
