Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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