singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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