thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize
