my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize