there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
