I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
