we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
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